The Toy War

My daughter will be 6 months in a couple weeks, and I have yet to get her interested in a single toy. I feel like a mild failure. My baby shower registry and Christmas wish list were chock full of gorgeous swings, bouncers, walkers, floor gyms, boppy pillows, musical mobiles, stuffed animals… I mean, the whole nine yards. She is not interested in them at all! Her favorite toy is me, and I’m EXHAUSTED!

Is this common? I’ve been going by the books and the labels on the toys and the informational web sites, but according to them, my daughter should have been loving her swing at 3 months, and ecstatic about her bouncer at 4 months! This is just not the case

An example: The other day I tried to have her in her bouncer in the kitchen while I was attempting to wash some dishes. As I lowered her into the seat, her eyes lit up, looking at all the colorful butterflies and floating fish. The noise-makers rattled as she got situated in her padded seat and her eyes were focused on the bouncing frog directly in front of her. I think, “YES!!! I have about 25 minutes or so to get this kitchen clean!” I walk to sink and start to run the water and all of a sudden there is a scream – not a whine or a fuss – but a sudden, sharp scream. I look at my daughter, and she is looking at me as if I’ve just handed her over to the lions. She is jerking and screaming, real tears rolling down her cheeks, and she’s thrusting forward, trying to get away from that bouncer as fast as possible. She was screaming as if she was in pain, as if someone had pinched my baby’s chubby adorable legs while my back was turned! I couldn’t get to her fast enough. I pick her up and hug her close and begin to rock her back and forth trying to soothe her and it literally took me a solid five minutes to calm her down from being in the  bouncer MAYBE 30 seconds.

Now, I think the typical response would be that she was scared of something.. but, this is not the first time she’s been in this bouncer, but rather, probably the  20th! She doesn’t react this way everytime I place her in the bouncer, but she is never happy, and I just don’t understand it. This is just one example. My efforts to get her interested in her floor gyms are laughable! She rolls over and looks at me like, “You have got to be joking,” and proceeds to fuss and whine until she works herself up to a full-fledged cry.

I guess I’d just like to know what on earth I’m doing wrong!

Is there a way that I should  be introducing these toys to her? Or is this completely normal? My days are broken up by the number of naps she decides to take and how much I can cram into those moments that she’s asleep. I feel horrible some days because it seems like I’m just waiting for her to take a nap!

If this is normal, then I don’t want to complain! I feel bad for even feeling like this… but it would just be great if he could spend some time discovering shapes and colors and mirrors and textures while on her floor gym or in her bouncer, while I got some writing or researching done, or even paint my nails or braid my hair. My to do list generally doesn’t get touched until after 9pm, and some nights, by then I’m so tired, I’m asleep right behind her!

When I tell this to my mom, she laughs, walks away and says welcome to motherhood.

Maybe I should just sip this glass of Earl Grey tea, quit whining, and get use to an 18 hour day, and that 6-8 of those hours, are after 9pm.

🙂

Courtney

Baby Mama Frustrations…

For the record, this is a rant. And I am well aware that most of what I’m saying isn’t politically correct… I just don’t care. Truer feelings were never typed.

I hate being a “baby mama.” I hate the stereotypes that are associated with young, single moms… especially minority moms. I hate that the father of my daughter isn’t my husband, or even my boyfriend. I hate that no matter what the underlying situation, from his standpoint, I will always be “tripping” or “whining” or “playing games” or “being needy.” I hate that no matter how dishonest those depictions are, his family, friends, associates, and mutual acquaintances-at-large will believe him… because the media and pop culture have created a Baby Mama Character… full of stereotypes that are connected to true facts. Single mothers have to advocate for their children, so if the father is a ding bat, deadbeat, or young, dumb idiot.. we have to make sure our child has what they need, financially, emotionally and physically. And, often times that means “tripping” or “being needy.” I hate that deadbeat fathers and young-minded, foolish men, can still go to family court and have rights to their children. And I realize this is extremely controversial. But when these men use the court system to exercise and manipulate a control over the mother of their child and the child itself, I believe the system is failing. I hate the fact that any time I stand up for myself and my daughter, I get threatened with legal action. By a person who can barely spell L-E-G-A-L A-C-T-I-O-N. I hate that a man who can fail to provide ANY financial support to a child for months at a time, can take his child’s mother to court and demand visitation. I hate that visitation and child support are considered to be two separate legal issues. The two are joined at the hip if you ask me.  I hate that its so easy for a man to blame his child’s mother’s resistance to him and his b.s., on “wanting” him.. wanting to be with him. Why is it so easy for men to chop up their problems with their child’s mother as being the mother’s rejection issues. And why is it so easy for everyone to believe them? And why is that a suitable justification to the men then getting their way? Even if the child’s mother walked out of the relationship. Even if the mother has ignored all calls, refused all contact, other than pre-scheduled visits between him and the child? AND ESPECIALLY even if the father is offering ZERO financial support.   “She trying to keep my baby from me cuz I don’t wanna be with her! This is a 50/50 thing. I get a say-so in any decisions that have to do with my baby.”

WHAT…..?

I hate that, no matter how hard I try to refine our communication… narrow it down to hardly any verbal communication… there is always space for him to pick a fight or make a demand. I hate that I am going to have to deal with his family for the next 18 years. I hate that he is entitled to even the most miniscule amount of communication regarding major life decisions involving my daughter. I hate that I have to defend my parenting decisions to him and his family.

Days like today, I feel defeated. I feel helpless. I feel angry.

My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. She has changed me in ways I never knew possible. I love her more than I have ever loved. To the point that it scares me. Emotions that I’ve never felt before, whirl about my spirit, day in and day out. I’m obsessed with her, fully absorbed with her. Completely and utterly preoccupied by her. Paranoid and over-concerned about everything that has to do with her. Anxious about her upcoming weeks, months, years and decades. Dreaming about all of her milestones. Curious about every inch of her body and every aspect of her laugh, whine and cry. I have a hard time understanding how one can be a parent if they aren’t feeling these same emotions? How can you justify that one SHOULD be a parent, if they aren’t feeling these same emotions… So, to have to deal with a person… the FATHER of my child, yet a person who can’t even dedicate $20 and 3 hours of his time to my daughter, yet wants to make demands and threats, to exhibit control and put on shows for his friends and family …. to have to deal with that… well, I hate it.

My biggest fear is that my daughter will grow older and blame me for the lack of a relationship between her and her father. I’m scared that somehow, all these decisions that I’ve agonized over, will somehow get made out to be only “rejection issues,” to her … and she will think of me as being selfish and bitter. I’m scared that what seems so right to me now… will end up being the wrong decisions in the long run…

Being a single mom is the most heart-wrenching thing I’ve ever encountered.

Stretch Marks…

Courtney

We Aren’t Photographers…

I thought that I should offer this disclaimer… just in case there were any issues with our picture quality… I know little to nothing about photography, I don’t have a Canon or a Nikon or any other fancy camera… all I have is my trusty dusty iPhone 4 and the Instagram application that I often use for their pretty filters! While I know blogging has been a huge platform for showcasing stunning photography, we may fall a bit short. But I do hope you enjoy our humble efforts! Candids from the heart!! Here are a few of the favorites on my Camera Roll right now, Enjoy 🙂

Courtney

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